Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The CTRVHM Humbling Ministry

As a special Chris Tilling Really Very Holy Ministries (CTRVHM) service this year, I am excited to announce that we are offering a revolutionary programme to sort out problems you may have with those around you who suffer from that most troublesome of sins: arrogance and pride.

This really is an exciting moment in Christian ministry history, as this year we unveil our entirely new yet tried and tested methods of character change. Never again will you have to worry about that certain person p-ing you off because of that harmful arrogant word, or fear those inner convulsions generated by that proud flicker in the offenders eyes.

By lending you, our customer, a strong Christian hand, we can forever help those who struggle with pride issues, and thus those around them.

With a baseball bat, balaclavas and a surprise attack, we will leave your client on the floor in a bleeding pile of messed up fleshy pulp. We will then leave him or her alone for a while to think about things: the perfect opportunity to forever reconsider those exalted images of oneself.

The ministry motto is 'It's kind of like an intervention'

There are a few legal disclaimers that need to be finally approved, but once the formalities are out of the way we look forward to beating the living crap out of your clients, and to help make the world a better place.

The Mash-em-up-Real-Bad team has been in training for a few months now, and will be led by a ministry member who prefers to remain anonymous, but I will be present supervising the first 'ministry times' to make sure that all teeth have been appropriately removed with the 'Sanctifying Bat'.

As this branch of CTRVHM ministry took a little inspiration from my Catholic brother, Josh McManaway, we wanted to insure that there will be a short ceremony before the 'Sanctifying Bat' is applied to the given sinner. It is hoped that an infusion of sacramental grace may be transmitted into the offender in equal proportion to the removal of snot from his or her face during the ministry session.

For the first month of ministry delivery, we are also offering an experimental package deal whereby you, our flock, can try out the methods first hand. We call it the BeattheshitoutLITE (TM). On your request, and after the submission of an appropriate 'love donation', we will send someone over to the house of the given offender to seriously insult them. And their mum.

We, of course, operate anonymously, and will even leave a few "How To Be a Proper Christian" tracts scattered around.

For those interested in obtaining either our package deal or the full ministry mash, please contact me by leaving a note in the comment box, leaving the details of the offender, and by paying an appropriate 'love donation' (be careful not to offend God here) through purchases on my Amazon Wish List.



At 1/15/2008 7:31 PM, Anonymous Jim said...

What a bargain! I'd like to sign up, but honestly, I'm afraid you've already had a few dozen private requests to send these servants of God over to my house as it is- and I wouldn't want to cause any conflict of interests. But what a grand idea....

{note to self- please watch the want ads for Chris}

At 1/15/2008 9:55 PM, Anonymous Jonathan Robinson said...

have you thought about a scholars edition rapid response team? That way when i am losing an argument with someone, even when i know i'm right but just havent had enough sleep to cope with the combat, i could text my distress code to your op centre and you could dispatch someone to interupt my opponent's flow of thought with a hefty slap.

if you dont want to diversify, could i get the franchise? (brand recognition is everything)

At 1/15/2008 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For those who might think they may be targeted by this ministry, be advised that we have arranged to monitor the ministry operations center using techniques "borrowed" from certain national intelligence agencies and will offer an early warning service that will allow you to conveniently be "not at home" when the ministry team arrives.

Don't bother informing us of your interest in this service as we know who you are.

Payment will be conveniently arranged by anonymously siphoning it directly from your bank account -- we know that information too.

As a matter of fact, Chris, we could be persuaded to proactively (and regularly) send you a list of all the people your really should target for this ministry -- all the Internet does flow through our special machines and we know what they are saying about you -- remember, it's not paranoia if they are really ARE conspiring to get you.


-- Ishmael

At 1/16/2008 11:24 AM, Anonymous Judy Redman said...


I'm really, really disappointed. One conference sharing a room with Jim West and you desert your roots and allow yourself to be corrupted by North American culture. While your first graphic shows Shaun wielding the holy weapon of a true Brit (or Aussie or Kiwi) - the cricket bat - here you are offering to send people around armed with baseball bats - the tool of the devil, or at least some evil archon. Shame, shame, shame!

At 1/16/2008 9:51 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Paroikos, great idea!! I will be sure to add this service - once all is approved of course.

Ishmael, it sounds like you are suggesting a Sydney Bristo Alias style coup!

Judy, you are so right. Thanks for the rebuke. I am humbled. But I hope you are not proud right now ...

At 1/16/2008 11:24 PM, Anonymous Judy Redman said...

Oh, absolutely not proud. Just happy to be able to serve God. I trust that being happy in the service of the Lord is not something that might attract the attention of CTRVHMHM.

At 1/19/2008 6:49 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Hi Judy,
Certainly happiness will not attract the CTRVHM Humbling Ministries.

But perhaps that CTRVHM Happiness Ministries...


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