Thursday, October 04, 2007

Mission to America

Yes, that's right, Chris Tilling Really Very Holy Ministries will be 'power evangelising' pagan East and West Coast USA this November. The first leg of the revival evangelism will take me to Washington DC (where I plan to do some serious political ass-kicking) and then North Carolina, near Duke University. I thought about friendship evangelism but got bored at the very idea. Instead, I thought it most expedient to take some kind of weapon with me and perform a good old mediaeval Crusade - with hopefully not just a little heretic burning on the way (the gasoline is cheap in America, I hear)

After that, I'm off to convert all those so-called 'scholars' at the Annual SBL meeting in San Diego – at least I plan to (plane tickets allowing). I'll be outside the front handing out this Chick Tract. With my weapon. Apart from that, I'm looking forward to meeting a few of my blogging friends in person!


At 10/04/2007 4:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Washington DC, N. Carolina, and San Diego. Too bad you're not visiting the United States!

At 10/04/2007 4:20 AM, Anonymous Judy Redman said...

Chris, dear,

They won't let you take weapons into the US. Homeland Security will confiscate them at your first entry point into the country (assuming you can actually get them out of Germany in the first place). They X-ray all your baggage and if you are carrying anything that remotely resembles a powerful weapon, you are likely to end up in a little room at the airport explaining to the nice men in uniforms exactly why they should let you into the country at all, even after they have confiscated your weapons. You can explain away a pair of nail scissors as an oversight, but a sword or spear will require a special permit and a note from your Mum or Anya or even your Doktorvater will not count. I think you'd better rethink the friendship evangelism plan. :-) Especially if you want to make it as far as SBL.

At 10/04/2007 4:44 AM, Anonymous Judy Redman said...

Ooops. My bad. That should have been a note from ... Anja.

At 10/04/2007 6:11 AM, Anonymous T.B. Vick said...

Dang, you need to stop by and see me here in Texas.

At 10/04/2007 6:32 AM, Anonymous Nick Norelli said...


Don't listen to Judy. Strap a sword to your back and tell the customs officers that you're an extra in the latest sequel to the Highlander movie series.

Us Americans LOVE those movies!!! Not only will they let you in the country, but they'll ask for your autograph while their at it.

And if I happen to be wrong and you end up in one of our fine American prisons then give me a ring (609) 555-HAHA and I'll be sure to laugh my head off because you actually took my advice and told the customs people that you were going to be an extra in a new Highlander flick! :^D

And when it's all said and done I'll call Jim West and have his generous self bail you out of jail. :)

At 10/04/2007 7:39 AM, Anonymous Ben Byerly said...

It's all a ploy by the sovereign to actually make this a mission to Guantanamo.

At 10/04/2007 11:29 AM, Anonymous Judy Redman said...

Actually, I've been thinking about this some more. It's quite possible that you'll be able to buy a weapon once you get to the States. Seems like they'll sell almost anyone a semi-automatic handgun, which you can then carry concealed on your person as long as you have a license, but you may need to take out US citizenship to qualify for a license. I didn't actually investigate the weapon laws too deeply during my five week stay in Houston - too busy photocopying articles on the Gospel of Thomas. Of course, had I known how useful this information might be... :-)

At 10/04/2007 1:51 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...


It use to be very easy to find drugs, prostitutes, and weapons in the DC area. It's getting harder (unless you are a politician, in which case prostitutes are still open for business--oh how I wish I was kidding on that one). But you can still get some exceedingly good moonshine in N.C.

And if you could come to SBL as Highlander, or perhaps David Beckham...well, I would buy you a meal. Though with your European currencies you won't need my help.

At 10/04/2007 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Chris,

If I may, I would like to offer some friendly advice. First, whatever you do, DO NOT tell anyone that you're French. Because you'll get a lot of dirty looks. And if you want a snack, DO NOT order French Fries. They're called Freedom Fries over here, in honor of Jacques Chirac.

Anyway, have a great trip.


Ps Judy is right. Don't bother bringing your own weapons. Whatever you want, we've got it right here.

At 10/04/2007 4:55 PM, Anonymous :mic said...

#1 - Sincerest empathy for being called 'French' (I understand why that one would remain anonymous.

#2 - That tract has completely transformed my religious understanding. From henceforth, I will recite the Prayer of Jabez in a completely different light.

At 10/04/2007 6:41 PM, Anonymous Looney said...

Chris, no matter how many weapons you bring, you will still be outgunned. I suggest some batman style body armor.

At 10/04/2007 9:25 PM, Anonymous Simon said...

Great news my friend!

At 10/04/2007 11:21 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

I have hilarious commentors!

First, thank you for your thoughtful advice, Judy, you may have saved me a jail sentence.

I'll wait till I arrive, then I'll buy a Samurai sword or something like it to help pursuade the stupid masses.

And a timely correction, Anja was alomst offended to be called Anya!

Nick, I like the Highlander theme. Only problem is, I wouldn't be a very convincing "fighting actor". I'm a fat git, you see. I'm more likely to be thought of as a good stunt double in "Fat Dads Drink more Beer", or something like that.

JB, will you attend SBL?

why are you typing and not praying the prayer of Jabez. Get back to work.

At 10/05/2007 2:45 AM, Anonymous Jim said...

You know, I used to think Chris was quite mad. But I've decided that the people who comment on his posts are even crazier!

(With the notable exception of myself of course).

At 10/05/2007 2:03 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...

Oh, I'll be there. If you promise to dress as Beckham, I promise not to dress up as Victoria.

Will you be at the "An Overweight Hermeneutic of the Bible" seminar? It's new this year. I'm presenting on Judges 3, a paper entitled, "Reading Eglon vs. Eggie with the Heavy: Yes, I'm Shaking like Jelly, but is it Laughter or Anger?"

Rick Warren will be there.

At 10/08/2007 4:50 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

JB, count me in!

Is there a heavy weight division for those of us who are horizontally challenged?


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