Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Pimp My Liturgy - 03

It is time to turn to from the Dead Sea Scrolls to that related of Christian denominations, the Southern Baptists.

Many at the grass roots of the Southern Baptist movement are not, I am led to believe, the most ecumenical of Christ's flock. Especially when it comes to Catholics. Added to that, the Southern Baptists are also not too hot when it comes to liturgy. So, instead of pimping their own liturgy, I thought I would simply write a pre-pimped liturgical chant with which to greet Catholics during any so-called 'ecumenical gatherings'

i. to be chanted repeatedly in a Death Metal kind of way, but also said in love.
Or,
ii. To the tune of 'He's got the whole world in his hands'

"Don't look at me like that
you scabby little phallus,
Or I'll rip off your Catholic head
and play glockenspiel with your ecumenical frontal lobes

See that dog poo lying on the floor over there?
That's your room temperature IQ mum that is.
Your theology looks like it fell out of the ugly tree
and hit every heresy on the way down
Amen."

UPDATE

In the comments, one wise soul pointed out that I should have made so much more of this liturgical nugget had I given more effort to the form of the text when chanted to the tune of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands". Below is the new text, for those who don't want to attempt the "loving death metal version":

To the Tune of "He's got the whole world in his hands"

“Don't look at me like that (you scabby little phallus)
I'll rip your head right off (you scabby little phallus)
And I'll play glockenspiel (you scabby little phallus)
with your ecumenical frontal lobes!

See that sloppy dog poo? (that's yo mama)
with room temperature IQ (that's yo mama)
theology fell out the ugly tree (like yo mama)
and hit every heresy on the way down.
Amen.”

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14 Comments:

At 10/03/2007 12:42 AM, Anonymous Jim said...

Boy that brings back memories of Vacation Bible School, where we learned a song just like that. In fact, it might well have been exactly that song!

Another favorite is Rev 21:8. Sung to the tune of frere Jacque (or whatever, you're the Frenchman)...

Revelation, Revelation 21:8, 21:8
Liars go to hell...
liars go to hell...
burn burn burn
burn burn burn!

Ah- those were the days....

 
At 10/03/2007 12:48 AM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Glad to see you reliving those charming memories. I hope you actually did some burning - or where you all talk..

"you're the Frenchman"

*breaks down in tears*

 
At 10/03/2007 1:20 AM, Anonymous Flint Cowboy said...

One of your neighbors recommended your blog to me. I think I will become a regular reader. Your readers who don't have the advantage of living in German and wish to practice their German language skills, might be interested in my new "Theological German" blog (ergebung.wordpress.com). A little shameless self-promotion, but I do like what you're doing.

 
At 10/03/2007 1:22 AM, Anonymous Flint Cowboy said...

I hate it when I do that. I left off the -y in Germany.

 
At 10/03/2007 2:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To help 03 come together a bit, since it really is way off meter...let me show you how to write and sing this to the tune "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands"

Don't look at me like that (you scabby little phallus)
I'll rip your head right off (you scabby little phallus)
And I'll play glockenspiel (you scabby little phallus)
with your ecumenical frontal lobes!

Now...re-write your second verse.

 
At 10/03/2007 5:55 AM, Anonymous Cliff Martin said...

Thank you anonymous! I was having trouble with the meter. And I so want to sing this!

 
At 10/03/2007 9:14 AM, Anonymous Owen Weddle said...

I suggested this song to a Southern Baptist friend of mine. He rejected it. Too much sugar coating. Oh, and he says you are going to hell for even bringing up the idea of singing to that heathen rock music (Death Metal).

But I rejoice in their rejection of it. I don't want to imagine a big portion of Southern Baptists (Deep South Americans) singing words like phallus and glockenspiel with the deep southern accent. My southern accent butchers it enough as it is.

 
At 10/03/2007 5:19 PM, Anonymous Timothy said...

These pimp my liturgy posts are great!

 
At 10/03/2007 6:51 PM, Anonymous ntWrong said...

Timothy:
I agree. I think this is Chris's best stuff.

And the Southern Baptists richly have it coming.

 
At 10/03/2007 8:31 PM, Anonymous Jim said...

Chris, this is your best stuff? Dude, you should be offended. Or this lot doesn't read your serious posts.

Remember the other day when we discussed the matter of most comments per post... here's proof!!!!!

(Bloody gits...)

;-)

 
At 10/03/2007 11:59 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Thanks for absolutely hilarious comments...

Especially yours, Anon. I wish I'd taken the time to come up with such a structure!

How about this for the second verse:

"See that sloppy dog poo? (that's yo mama)
with room temperature IQ (that's yo mama)
theology fell out the ugly tree (like yo mama)
and hit every heresy on the way down
Amen."

A bit better?

 
At 10/04/2007 3:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now you're thinking Chris! Just to let you know why I remain Anon...I was in the Christian music business way too long...and wrote a bunch of songs that were not quite as good as this one...so thanks for letting me in on it.

 
At 10/04/2007 11:22 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Well, thanks for your help, Graham Kendrick. It worked!

 
At 10/05/2007 12:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry Chris, I'm not Grahmn! Only been to London once...and got out of there as fast as I could! I don't know how you can eat that food. I'm sure Grahmn likes it and I'm sure he's a fine songwriter...no, I'm in the heart of CCM...or should I say in the pits of CCM hell. Nashville.

 

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