Friday, December 21, 2018

The Chrisendom best five books of 2018 awards

This is a definitive list of the best books of 2018 as I have read everything published. Yep, all of it. From Japanese poems, through theological text books, geological studies in Chinese, every Reddit or Facebook or blog post, DVD player installation instruction manuals, chess books on pawn and bishop endings, you name it: I read it all. Every word.

And this, my friends, is the very best of 2018.

5) The Chord Hugo 2 Amp and Digital to Analog Converter Instruction Manual (£0.00).

This one makes you look again at your life, rethink everything you hold dear, that’s how powerful it is (just like the grammar of this sentence). It's short, to the point, brilliant. Chord must have taken a genius poet captive and told her[1] to write magic for their recent DAC, or they’d kill her family. Chord produce the very best audiophile equipment, sure, but you don't want to cross them or they will kill you.

4) 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos (£12.99) by Jordan B. Peterson

This. THIS.

Well, it was meh, to be honest, and about as theological determined as our 5th place winner above. It wasn’t banal, exactly, perhaps a bit more interesting than most self-help kinda books, I guess.

Look, in truth I’m only including the book here because its fun to watch the hysterical go into full-scale meltdown mode at the mere mention of his name, convulsing into fits while mouthing with bright red faces and sharply pointed finger “NAAAZIIIII SCCCUUUMMM”, and then all their friends pat them on the back for being such uncompromising keyboard warriors and they end up feeling much better about not being other people.[2] And who wouldn't want to cause all of that?

I am now at least more hesitant to eat lobster.

3) The Gratitude Journal for Women: Find Happiness and Peace in 5 Minutes a Day (£10.29) by Katherine Furman (Author) and Katie Vernon (Illustrator).

All I can say is that I’m very grateful for grateful womxn[3] in my life who keep gratitude journals in order to stay happy. I particularly liked the copious, large flower pictures. Plus, as you would expect, it wasn’t chock full of patronising truisms.

2) Finding Jesus, by Winston Rowntree (£6.33).

This was admittedly published in 2014, but it is a timeless classic. It’s like discernment medicine, making it easy to find Jesus where you might have otherwise lost him. Way better than the Synoptics, it’s top-notch training for the saints.

1) The Day I Emailed Jesus, by Norman Moss / Jesus (for £68.38)

Winning this year, hands down, is Jesus. He’s been busy emailing a bloke called Norman who published a book containing numerous “emails from Jesus”.

[1] You see what I subtly did there? You were expecting a masculine pronoun weren't you, you misogynist pig! I award myself one woke point.
[2] I guess this means my first point gets deleted.
[3] Daaaaammn, me righteous long time!


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