Faecally obsessed toilet poltergeist warning

So, a while ago we suffered the enmity of a toilet poltergeist. In the middle of the night the little ghoul kept knocking off the loo roll onto the floor and once - horror - into the toilet itself.

Certainly an alternative, though decidedly more pedestrian, explanation for these events is “gravity”.

But then, there is something about a poltergeist with faecal obsession possessing a toilet that beats the turgid 9.81 meters per second per second business.

Either way, our problems are potentially solved by Wayne Brewer and his 2009 monograph Are You Possessed?, which promises some sort of divine intervention. “Y I E L D, loo poltergeist forwardslash gravity”

After I stopped precariously perching the loo roll on the top of the cistern, the poltergeist left, so here's your happy ending.

But allow me a digression, because the Amazon page linked to above also points to Wayne Brewer’s other book: How Arcturians Are Healing Planet Earth. “An interesting novel?”, I wondered. *left mouse click*

Nope.

The Amazon blurb runs:

Alien Reptilians, who are multidimensional extraterrestrials, have been plaguing our planet for eons, lowering our vibrational frequency and using fear, manipulation, and mind-control to dominate and enslave humanity. They have no natural enemies here, so they have had free rein to carry out their agenda. But that is no longer the case! The Arcturians, a much more powerful race of multidimensional extraterrestrials, are right now helping to heal the planet and raise its vibrational frequency by removing alien Reptilians and sending them to the Light. The Arcturians [that my spell checker underlines Arcturians is perhaps part of the global conspiracy? - CT] are highly advanced, very loving and peaceful beings from Arcturus, a star in the Boötes Constellation ...”

Most helpful customer reviews include Rigby’s: “This books explains everything I ever new, but did not understand, now I have the whole picture, I have just ordered Wayne's other book”.

Also note Zeynep’s important clarification: “Please don't buy this book if you are interested in aliens. Arcturians are not aliens … [Nevertheless] it's an eye opener for people who are not aware that we are galactic beings. It's an advanced book, not for beginners”.

In case you missed it, Zeynep’s review is titled “not aliens”.

Certainly an alternative, though decidedly more pedestrian, explanation for all of this involves rocking oneself back and forth in foetal (no, not faecal) position under a cold shower while despairing for humanity.