Thursday, November 01, 2007

Biblical Evangelism

My roving reporter in Australia, Shane Clifton, has kindly sent me the links of two notable webpages. The first,, is set up by a certain lady called Tamara. I'll let her introduce herself:

"Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably tell, I'm a Christian woman who loves Jesus Christ and cares for all humans, even the wicked. What you probably don't know is that I'm hot. My picture below isn't really that good. I want to use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage Christian women (my sisters in Christ) to do the same, according to the Great Commission"

Not only can you sign up as the one planning to do the converting, if you yourself seek conversion – put your name down. For example, a certain Arad27 posts the following about himself:

"I need to be changed from my evil wicked ways. I was born a Jew and realized my faults, I just hope a girl out there is willing to convert me to the path of righteousness. But she must be good looking"

The page links to another, namely Tamara seems to have her hand in this pot too, and it provides 'Christian dating tips', and a question and answer section which answers such toughies as 'Doesn't God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be "yoked with unbelievers"?' Her answer should dissolve all doubts:

'I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it's a "A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together." I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date...'

At last somebody is making sense. Something a bit more traditionally Pentecostal is on offer here. A slightly more pietistic version is provided here. As they claim:

'Now to what works: Do you really want to share Christ without turning people off? Act like Jesus at all times'

I suppose that doesn't mean giving a Sermon on a Mount, going to Jerusalem, cursing a Fig Tree, etc – ok, I'm just being awkward. We know what they mean.

I had a few more ideas on making evangelism practical:

  • Stalking evangelism. Stalk the victim chosen person until they either give in or you know enough personal details to make a very convincing 'word of knowledge'
  • 'Stage another Pentecost' evangelism. All get blindingly drunk early in the morning, and then say it is fulfilment of Joel as people gather around. This might work well in conjunction with the next.
  • Bully evangelism. Intimidate and torment relentlessly until they give their lives to Jesus in grateful faith
  • 'I know your dirty secrets' evangelism. Either they repent, or you publish in the local papers the worst secrets your private detective could find in their garbage
  • Chinese Burn evangelism. Get them in a Chinese grip, then burn them until they turn.
  • Incense evangelism. Spike your incense herbs with something a little more potent, and watch them flood back to church each week
  • 'Stage a healing' evangelism. Take a friend along, a pair of crutches, and head to a shopping centre.
  • Drive by baptism evangelism – already detailed here
  • Crusade evangelism – already detailed here.


At 11/01/2007 10:52 PM, Anonymous Jim said...

I think any thinking person can clearly see why I loathe with the burning passion of 10 billion universes exploding all at once the idiocy of dilettantism. "I looked up yoke..." Dear Lord.

If persons like this are in heaven, I pray we are segregated.

At 11/01/2007 10:58 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

To be honest, I'm pretty sure that those webpages are just a joke. But one can never be sure these days.

At 11/02/2007 12:01 AM, Anonymous dan said...

Amazing! I for one, am all for this.

Jim, perhaps you'd be willing to change your mind after I give you a stunning man-on-man backrub? ('Happy ending' not included before marriage).

At 11/02/2007 12:10 AM, Anonymous Jim said...

Yeah Nick, I'm a bit disturbed by it too. But I would be MORE disturbed if Tilling said it since we are rooming together at the SBL meeting in San Diego.

Which reminds me- I'll have some funny tales to tell about Chris afterwards, even if I have to make them up.

At 11/02/2007 12:12 AM, Anonymous psychodougie said...

ahhh, missionary dating.
as if that's not biblical - need i mention Hosea, not to mention the dancing girls of Shiloh!

good biblical precedents all round.

At 11/02/2007 2:54 AM, Anonymous One of Freedom said...

Don't forget swirling evangelism. My buddy found Christ in jail and while there one of the other inmates also accepted Christ and then (he was a rather large lad) began dunking pre-converts headfirst into the toilets until they too repented and came to Christ! Not only an effective evangelism, but it also cleaned their hair at no extra charge. How sweet is that?

At 11/02/2007 4:37 AM, Anonymous Jonathan Robinson said...

after careful exegesis of the following text

'thanks to Jeff for the cool pictures and setting up the store. He was my 3rd missionary date. I don't love him anymore, but Jesus still does'

i have come to the conclusion that this ministry/movement is not only serious but effective... why else would jeff help set up the website if he were not saved? and if she hadn't flirted how could he be saved? and how could she flirt without the blessing of God if she loves Jesus? I rest my case.

At 11/02/2007 9:38 AM, Anonymous Esteban Vázquez said...

Oh, pshaw! These people are acting as if they've invented the wheel. I've been doing evangelistic dating for years and I'm not even hot! And as for success rates, well, you must see the sheer number of mark on my wall.

At 11/02/2007 6:00 PM, Anonymous Mike Frizzell said...

Maybe you could find a way to incorporate this into your drive-by baptism program. Get them saved and baptized in one date. (You can use that as your slogan, just give me credit.)

At 11/02/2007 8:31 PM, Anonymous :mic said...

I think it's refreshing to see young and attractive Christian women taking an interest in the missionary position and want to encourage them.

At 11/04/2007 11:39 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

:mic, that is such a poor taste comment!
I.e. funny.


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