Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A Biblical Guide to Dating

1. Seek out your potential wife/husband based on how strenuous their doctrinal commitments are. You don't want any flabby 'emerging' nonsense or such like. If they have read all of the major Reformed authors, pray using words like 'N. T. Wright' in close proximity to 'Satan', are sure those who don't hold to their own exact statement of faith are damned, etc. maybe you've got a winner.

For men: Of course, she's got to look gorgeous too, or there's no point.

2. When the time comes to ask her on a date try this:

'Hi, I've not said this to anyone before (one little 'White Lie' won't hurt), but the Lord told me we will get married. Do you want to obey the Lord or not?'

3. After this has won you a date, spend some time talking about any crap that seems important to him/her (for men: tell her she looks lovely in her blouse, that her eyes are like limpid pools, or any other lie that seems to work) and slowly slide up next to her/him. Then whip out the old 'the Holy Kiss is biblical' line. I.e. start your sentence with 'Is it not written in Rom. 16:16; 1 Co. 16:20; 2 Co. 13:12 and 1 Thess. 5:26' etc. Make it feel like she/he is sinning unless she/he puckers up and 'makes out' good and proper.

4. After you've done some serious Holy Kissing, you need to take the relationship to the next stage. Admittedly, the biblical case for this step is not quite as convincing, but speak quickly and avoid eye contact and you could get a way with it.

First, you need to do some Holy Kissing. Then, when time is ripe, say:

"Darling, did you know that tongues is biblical?"

Then before she/he can answer ... well, you know what to do. Frenchy his/her face off.

5. The last step shouldn't be too hard if they've strung along this far. Essentially, you need to practice some logical deduction with your partner. Wait until you've Frenchied your tongue numb, then raise in conversation:

'You remember what the Lord commanded us about getting married? Well, is it not written in 1 Corinthians 7:9 that "it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion"? Do you not feel the sexual tension in this room (i.e. that you are feeling sexual and that she/he is feeling tense - but don't mention that bit)? You therfore know as well as me what the bible says we must do'

6. Organise the wedding quickly before she/he can stop and think.

It worked for me.



At 10/10/2007 7:01 PM, Anonymous Rob said...

I've come to a conclusion that inerrancy is wrong based on attempting to apply these pricinples and seeing them fail.

At 10/10/2007 7:20 PM, Anonymous thegreatswalmi said...

well done, chris. I too have used these principles with heady and beneficial effect. I find also that quoting verses about "taming the tongue" are especially effective. You can get all sorts of good stuff out of the song of solomon (songs) too, but you have to be careful. if he or she is a wooden literalist (as he or she should be...and no, there's no pun intended here you sick englishman) and knows that all of song of songs speaks only of the love between our lord and the church, you can get into trouble.

Rob, obviously you have applied said principles incorrectly, which not only disproves your fallacious understanding of the scriptures and their nature, but also your lack of understanding. If you find the right one first of all (see principle one) the rest should follow like a house on fire, just like calvinism, and all other immensely godly systems.


At 10/10/2007 7:53 PM, Anonymous Jason Goroncy said...

Chris ... good to see that you've got so much free time to write such nonsense. What did Anja think of all this dribble (pun intended)?

Thanks for the laugh ... as always.

BTW. You haven't mentioned English rugby for a while. Good to see them beat the Aussies ... again.

At 10/10/2007 8:00 PM, Anonymous Pastor Bob Cornwall said...

I just assumed that Dads got together when the kids got to be about 12 and signed one of those life long contracts -- but I guess I was wrong again!!!

At 10/10/2007 8:13 PM, Anonymous Scott Bailey said...

Awesome! Sexual tension line = LOL.

This wouldn't work for a cessationist, but if you run in charismatic circles you can gently turn the conversation to "tongues and the laying on of hands" as part of your marriage seduction.

Different subject but I have a short sermon that I give my wife. I tell her that the Bible says the Lord promised to not give me more than I could handle. He gave me two hands and her two boobs. Perfection! Then I go at those puppies like Rocky Balboa on the speed bag. For some reason she does not want to celebrate our marriage in sexual union after this sermon. I may have to work on it a bit.

At 10/10/2007 8:16 PM, Anonymous Nick Norelli said...

"First, you need to do some Holy Kissing. Then, when time is ripe, say: "Darling, did you know that tongues is biblical?" Then before she/he can answer ... well, you know what to do. Frenchy his/her face off."

I expect no less a piece of advice from a Charismatic Frenchman!

très bien monsieur, très bien...

My personal advice (and this probably only works for Americans) is to approach your potential 'good thing' (Prov. 18:22) hand her your cell phone after snapping her picture (unsolicited of course), stare her down with your most intimidating... er... umm... I mean... look deeply into her eyes (yeah, that's it), and with your most masculine voice say: "you know what it is"

This *should* result in her giving you her digits as well as the key to her apartment (or mama's house) -- the only thing left to do is pick the menu, the flower arrangments, and set up a joint bank account (with her providing most of the captial of course!). Your nuptials await...

At 10/10/2007 8:25 PM, Anonymous mark said...

Forget about "limpid pools;" what always worked for me was "your hair is like a flock of goats . . . your teeth are like a flock of sheep . . . not one of them is missing."

At 10/10/2007 8:50 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...

While we were engaged, my wife once mildly chided me for smacking too much booty (hers) during our seminary class. I quietly slipped her a note telling her to look up Matt 5:39...

At 10/10/2007 8:54 PM, Anonymous Scott Bailey said...

J.B. that is classic. Good work.

At 10/10/2007 9:01 PM, Anonymous learnerpriest said...

Brilliant, Chris - your best yet!

At 10/10/2007 10:33 PM, Anonymous dan said...

Wait, why this rush into marriage? I mean, if we can all be 'born again virgins' isn't it best to see, um, 'how compatible' we are with potential future spouses? Besides, as I used to tell the kids at church camp, "Born again virgins have more fun!"

At 10/11/2007 3:12 AM, Anonymous W. Travis McMaken said...


Your post, including the nice little picture, popped up in my RSS reader amid a wash of other less stimulating material. I was a split second away from dismissing it from my screen on the basis of its title alone (ok, and the picture) before I noticed that it came from your pen (keypad). It was at that moment that I stopped, read, laughed and, well, wrote this comment!

Well done, once again. Your propensity for satire is as refreshing as it seems unlimited.

At 10/11/2007 4:41 AM, Anonymous Rev. Paul Beisel said...

Chris, I enjoyed the post. When I was at the seminary in Fort Wayne, IN I was single, and came up with the top 10 lines seminarians use on the first date. Among them were: "I never go further than Compline on the first date." Also, "Do you want to go to my room and discuss the laying on of hands?" Funny stuff.

At 10/11/2007 2:38 PM, Anonymous Ben Byerly said...

I vote for editing this post and putting your own lovely picture up. ;-).

At 10/11/2007 2:43 PM, Anonymous Jason Pratt said...

Now, now--if you think she's gorgeous (otherwise there's no point), you hardly have to be lying at step 3, do you?

As always, honesty is the best policy. {s!} And a dishonest thought runs immediately into contradiction. As well as into Anja, I expect... {edging away from your side of the planet before she finds out that this has been written}


At 10/11/2007 8:29 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Oh boy these comments are funny. I especially found Rob and JB a "Laugh out loud"

"I never go further than Compline on the first date."


At 10/11/2007 10:16 PM, Anonymous Michael Westmoreland-White, Ph.D. said...

Hmm. I did it all wrong. I met my wife in preaching class. (If a relationship can survive grading each other's sermons . . .)

The first time she asked me out, I thought she wanted to correct my theology some more. We were halfway through dinner before I realized it was a date. :-)

Oh, well. 18 years and 2 kids later, I guess it's too late to start trying your advice, now, huh?

At 10/11/2007 10:16 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...


I may well put "Born Again Virgins Have More Fun" right next to my "This Christian Supports Palestine" bumper sticker.

At 10/12/2007 7:40 AM, Anonymous Owen Weddle said...

Now I see my problem. I've had it wrong this WHOLE time.

Bless you whom God has given such sound and Biblical wisdom too!

At 6/30/2009 10:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is not funny. And the the message of Yahweh Elohim and his Son, Yahshua the Messiah should not be taken lightly. Have your fun now, but I tell you the truth: it won't last long. You will regret ever putting your foolish advice on the web. Let me ask you this: If you have a daughter and she believes in the Word, would you want some perverted man to be misusing her belief for his own twisted sexual interests? Is that how you would want your daughter to be treated? Is that how you would want your mother or sister to be treated? Grow up, men. The world needs men who can lead nations and conquer kingdoms, not treacherous and deceptive men. we need honorable, valiant men in this world. We need leaders. Are you going to waste your life setting foolish traps for women? Is that what you call purpose? Arise, men of God. Arise to your position in the true Kingdom of Yahweh. Arise to honor. Arise to Truth. Arise to purpose. It is time.

At 7/03/2009 2:03 AM, Anonymous Jim said...

you, sir anonymous, are both idiot and coward at the same time. idiot because you pretend to speak with divine authority and coward because you hide behind anonymity, where all cowards cower.

At 7/03/2009 2:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey anon-
you're apparently a sex starved prat who wouldnt know innie from an outie and so he's just oppressed with envy of the penis sort.

lighten up, miss.

At 7/06/2009 3:43 AM, Anonymous mhac said...

I'll be teaching Biblical Hermeneutics in Spring 2010. I'll be referring my students to this excellent post.


Post a Comment

<< Home