Sunday, December 04, 2011

Its that time of year again: The Evil Santa Competition opens for entries

To reiterate from my previous competitions:

Often, us theological types are allowed to speak to children’s groups over the Christmas season, and so this competition (now in its fourth year). Namely, how many children can you persuade over the next couple of days that Father Christmas doesn’t exist, and never did, and was probably a bit evil (yea, not an altogether logical set of proposals, but we are talking about kids).

The rules:

  1. Only those who you manage to convince before Christmas Eve count.
  2. One point per child
  3. Two points per child if you are able to convince them that Father Christmas is really Beelzebub.
  4. If you manage to reduce one to tears, then double your score. I.e. if you have three points already, add one for this victory (=4), then double it making eight.
  5. If you also manage to succeed in getting them to believe the ‘I’m even going to be eating Rudolf the Red-Nose Pie on Christmas day while you’re eating Turkey’ line, add a bonus point.

I’m hoping to top my personal best over the next couple of days but I doubt I’ll manage, as a couple of years ago I had a ‘double your score’ run of three kids in a row, totalling to over 40 points. That was magic.

  • If you are fat enough, put your name down to act as a shopping mall Santa Claus – and they do tend to trust Reverends.
  • Persuade the Sunday school teacher to allow you ‘bible study’ time with the toddlers.
  • If you are going for the two-points bonus (see 3 above), don’t bother with the old: ‘See what happens if you rearrange the letters of the name “Santa”’, logic, as it tends to get lost on those of typical target age.
  • If you get a job as a shopping mall Santa, when little Johnny is bobbing on your knee, wait till mum has turned her back and pull down your beard, tell him your real name and job, and then expand on the hoax that ‘only babies believe’. If mum turns back overhearing a protest, deny everything. If mum is not around for a few minutes, go for the double your score (4 above - the best way to increase your points). Experience tells that this is facilitated when one tries to mix in the Red-Nose Pie bonus at the same time.


At 12/04/2011 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you certain you are not an twisted evil genius? :-).
Doug, your fb friend.
ps. my wife said to stay away from our kids.

At 12/06/2011 12:00 AM, Anonymous Santa is Evil said...

"...wait till mum has turned her back and pull down your beard, tell him your real name and job, and then expand on the hoax that ‘only babies believe’..."

LOL! Chris that is hilarious:) but seriously if you did that in a UK shopping centre you’d be lucky to be alive after an hour. If you did that in the US they'd chase you out of town and then burn your house to the ground.


At 12/06/2011 12:51 PM, Blogger Chris Tilling said...

Will stay away from said kids, Doug!

Thanks for the amusing link, Noel!


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