Sunday, October 05, 2008

Why circumcision?

Has it ever occurred to you how odd circumcision is? Yea, hygiene blah blah. But had I been Abraham I would have admittedly answered God’s request for this particular covenant sign with probably more than a little bit of hesitation – I’m far less holy than Abraham (and apparently far more protective of ‘the old chap’)

God gets to this bit: “You shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskins”

Chrisbraham: *blinks* *pulls a face like he just saw a dancing pink elephant*

Chrisbraham: ??...!...??

Chrisbraham: “Come again?”

God: “You shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskins”

Chrisbraham: “Err ... you ... want me to ... chop ... WHAT of?!”

God: “I’m not going to repeat this”

Chrisbraham: *Blinks* “Look, have my fingernail if you are interested in things so shaped, but please not my old chap down there, surely not the pride and joy, not the meat and two veg, not the willysilly”


Chrisbraham: Listens hopefully




Chrisbraham: *Hope starts to fade*










Chrisbraham: Either *Looks up Terah’s mobile phone number* or *starts reluctantly plodding towards the scissor cabinet*, depending on projected personal holiness levels

(Afterthought: A graphic for this post was never going to work)


At 10/06/2008 12:51 AM, Anonymous El Bryan Libre said...

Have you ever seen the clip from the movie "The Real Old Testament", a parody of the show reality show "The Real World" where it shows Abraham having to circumcise his men? LOL
I thought about posting it but since some of it is a bit graphic I figured you could just search videos on Google if you were interested. : )

Bryan L

At 10/06/2008 3:11 AM, Anonymous Bob MacDonald said...

off has two f's

At 10/06/2008 4:36 AM, Anonymous Angie Van De Merwe said...

This is absolutely ridiculous! It assumes that Scriptures are a true and only representation of God. Scirptures are human products about God. They are a way to worship in a Christian context, but are not a "rule book" about what to do or not to do in real life.
And I'm sure hoiiness people are very convinced that they are applying the Golden Rule to others when they demand circumcision. This is specific "work".
Even if one believes that Scripture is to be taken literally in lifestyle, then Paul opposed those who demanded circumcision of the Gentile. He wished, indeed, that they would just cut it off!

At 10/06/2008 6:04 AM, Anonymous Weekend Fisher said...

I think it's proof that the OT God is not, after all, misogynistic. :)

Take care & God bless
Anne / WF

At 10/06/2008 7:10 AM, Anonymous Steven H said...

Highly inappropriate but here's a quote from "The Holy Bible" by the Reduced Shakespeare Company:

Abraham: Why do you want my foreskin God?

God: I' a wallet.

Abraham: Er. Riiiight.

God: And when I rub it, it'll turn into a suitcase.

At 10/06/2008 9:13 AM, Anonymous Edward T. Babinski said...

How many guys back then got infected willies?

They didn't know about the importance of sterilizing their rusty old knives.

At any rate, the O.T. practice of giving Yahweh the first-fruits of one's flock or harvest as a "ransom" so you can keep your first-born son and not sacrifice him is an even weirder practice in my opinion.

The O.T. God is so NEEDY, He just WANTS WANTS WANTS!

Gimme your foreskins!

Gimme your first-fruits (as a ransom for your first-born).

Gimme doves, calves, goats, bulls, rams...

And if you ever so much as LOOK at another God, I swear I'll make you eat the flesh of your own children!

At 10/06/2008 9:23 AM, Anonymous Edward T. Babinski said...

What about O.T. "swearing" by "placing your hand under the thigh" of another man?

Swearing on testicles!

Heck, maybe they thought the "foreskin" got in the way of taking a more perfect oath?

And don't the words testicles, testimony and testament all come from the same root?


Abraham said to his male servant, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my _______, And I will make thee swear by the Lord.” (Gen. 24:2-3 & 47:29, KJV)

[Answer: thigh. “Putting one’s hand under the thigh” was a euphemism for placing it on a person’s genitals. That was apparently how the ancient Hebrews took solemn oaths because of the blessedness of the “seed” which God had promised to multiply to Abraham and his descendants. Today we take solemn oaths by “placing one hand on the Bible.” I guess if we lived in a “Bible-less” society like Abraham’s, the job of bailiff might be more “interesting”: “Please step up to the bench, Miss Jones, and place your right hand under my thigh, and repeat after me, I solemnly swear… OOOO! You’ve got cold hands Miss Jones!” And Miss Jones would repeat, “I solemnly swear OOOO!” (Wes “Duke of Doubt” Anderson)]


Solomon “had seven hundred wives, princesses and three hundred concubines” (1 Kings 11:3). Yet his son, Rehoboam, said, “My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins” (1 Kings 12:10). This explains:

a) The hasty departure of the Queen of Sheba?
b) Solomon’s obsession with cedar beams?

[Answer: None of the above--Rehoboam’s boast concerning his “loin size” was a metaphor for the way he planned to lay a “heavier yoke” upon his people than his father Solomon had done. Such a metaphor parallels the ancient “penis oath” practiced in the Bible, whereby people would swear an oath or allegiance to a king or tribal leader by “giving the hand (under),” or, “laying it on” the leader’s generative organ.]

At 10/06/2008 10:43 AM, Anonymous Rev Tony B said...

Simple graphic - close up of tightly shut watering eyes...

Says it all.

At 10/07/2008 12:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somewhere I heard this Abrahamic quote:
"OK, let's see if I have this right: The Arabs get the oil and we have to cut off our...?"

At 10/11/2008 1:02 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

hilarious comments. thanks for the laughs!


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