Popular Evangelical Liturgy
Your basic evangelical (version 1.0a): "Lord, we just pray that you would just, Lord, just be with them"
- Soft charismatic extension pack (1.1a): "Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan. Lord, we just pray that you would, Lord, just be with them"
- Hardcore charismatic package (1.1b) "Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka banananannananan Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkgol mahashrolsohomka banandhduiujsinksnann Kiwimaschulhvangol mahashrolsohomka. Lord, Kiwimaschulhuamuschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan, we just pray that you, Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan, would, Lord, just be with them. Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka"
- Pentecostal upgrade: "Lord, *insert dance* we just pray that you *insert jig* would, Lord, just be with them. AMEN and AMEN to JEEEEEESSSSSSSUUUUUSSSSSSS. Yeeeeaeaaaaaaaaaa woooooooooo *congregation explodes in a fit of enthusiasm"
- Emergent: *Lights a candle* *mutters something about the return from exile and the mystery of God* *blows out candle* *rises and continues in unashamed compromise against the Gospel according to John MacArthur*
- Conservative evangelical: *prays for a long time all about scriptural inerrancy, absolute certainty and penal substitution* "oh yes, and we just pray that you would, Lord, just be with them"
- Faith-Word: "We just ask you be with them based on Matt 28:20, and we just proclaim this is reality now, we just speak this into reality by faith" (can also be mixed rather effectively with the Pentecostal upgrade).
OK, I'll stop now before I insult the whole planet, but readers of Chrisendom surely now realise that much of what I write is to be taken in jest. I would add, however, that I make these caricatures as an evangelical who, with a conservative evangelical operating system, has at one time or another downloaded and installed a charismatic/Pentecostal, faith-word and emergent patch – despite the numerous incompatibility problems that ensued.