Friday, March 30, 2007


‘[M]any systematic theologians . . . have become impatient with waiting for the mountains of historical footnotes to give birth to the mouse of theological insight’
- N. T. Wright

OK, it is going to get a bit silly now, but while on the subject of citations, during a recent exchange someone wrote this about good ol' me:

‘Chris Tilling: a pluralistic, relativistic butt muncher feasting on the postmodern swill of Derrida’

- Simon Hardwick

Clever, undoubtadly clever. But also a bit nasty really.

And untrue. Simon you git.

My chosen come back at the time was something like this:

‘Simon Hardwick: jumped up, post-propositionalist, ‘emergent’ loving pansy, critical realist d*ck weed with the philosophical subtlety of a randy walrus at the mating season’

But this left me feeling like I had somehow been out done, which is naturally not ideal.

Any witty insults that you'd recommend as belated response to this Simon chap? Would be appreciated.


At 3/31/2007 12:58 AM, Anonymous Jim said...

Being mean to people or insulting them is a bit outside my realm of expertise, what with me being sweeter than Bambi and all. But how about this:

Simon, "were you born to cause only confusion everywhere? That would be the cherry on the cake of your heroic deeds - after you exposed your stupidity in the presence of all, you also had to divulge your wickedness, so that the world not only remembers Simon’s foolishness, but also his meanness for a very long time as a deterring example before its eyes. They will be silent, then, about evildoers such as Herostratus, Plemminius, Antonius and Catilina, but only speak of Simon, the embodiment of all scandal . Even from childhood your life was piggish, your tongue impudent, your mouth evil, your voice impure, your eyes ruttish, your forehead shameless. Your heart burned from the craze for greed and fame in such a manner that you, as the prophet says, simply could not bear rest and peace. Therefore you went to Rome and, because you did not become a Bishop there, you returned to Germany right away, in order to mix up everything. Can one among all mortals show another who has lived such an infamous life (scelestam)? Your belly is so devoted to voracity and lasciviousness that... you would have been a better raptor or ass than a human being. But then again, it is all the same, whether you look like a human or like an ape. You are indeed nothing other than a beast."

(Adapted from Zwingli's letter to Johannes Eck.)

At 3/31/2007 3:21 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...

Here's some future ammo:

At the local zoo our polar bear exhibit is top-rate. We (I use this in the maximally collective sense) brought in a male polar bear to mate with the female...he got rowdy and knocked her off a 12-foot incline. She now has a pin in her hip and is NOT pregnant. And big boy is gonna have to go home and ice his blue...

At 3/31/2007 7:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm afraid Simon that your reprehensible and insulting behavior has brought to mind your ancient namesake.
Who seems to have endowed you with a double portion of his spirit

There was a certain man, called Simon, which beforetime ... used sorcery, and bewitched the people ... giving out that himself was some great one. And to him they had regard, because for a long time he had bewitched them with his sorceries.

And just like your duplicitous and scheming ancestor. You too, are worthy of the rebuke that rang in his ears.

"thy heart is not right in the sight of God. Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee. For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity."


At 3/31/2007 8:20 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Hear this, Simon, hear all of this!

At 4/02/2007 8:29 PM, Anonymous Simon Hardwick said...

*Feels bullied*

*Hopes for sympathy vote*

*Writes blog post in response*

At 4/03/2007 10:15 AM, Anonymous Jim Benton said...

""There once was a theologian named Simon
Who liked controversies to climb on
He rants and he raves
From mental 'dark caves'
But he's really not worth wasting time on"

At 4/03/2007 10:17 AM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

Sympathy vote????


Some have got to learn the hard way, Simon.


Post a Comment

<< Home