Deserving of a good slappin'

A guest post by Cardinal Spin

Kim Fabricius has written another ‘ten propositions’ for Ben Myers’ Faith and Theology, this time ‘on being a theologian’.

Naturally, were I to meet this Kim fellow I would kick the big Jesse out of him just to see what would happen (he is a pacifist). Apart from that, I’d want to ask what the flaming hell possessed him to write this post.

For example, under point 9 he writes that ‘all believers are theologians’. Fair enough. But then in the first paragraph he claims that ‘[t]heologians are like horse manure’. Putting them both together, it becomes blatantly obvious this chap thinks all Christians are nothing but horse manure! That’s right, your believing mum, Kim Fabricius wants to tell you, is nothing but a stinking pile of shit. He waxes lyrical that your beloved believing mum has the ontological worth of a cowpat, and is as attractive as the contents of an average u-bend.

Then there is the racist anti Nile pro Zionist ranting under point 3.

While he is sure that there ‘will be no theology in the eschaton’, I’m not so sure. I’m personally expecting to daily deliver my ‘Authoritative Opinions’ (I have opinions about almost everything) on all manner of subjects for the eternal enjoyment of the elect. So there will be theology in the eschaton.

Mine.

He also notes that ‘Karl Barth famously said that when he gets to heaven he will seek out Mozart before Calvin’ adding ‘Quite right’. Seeing as I’m probably going to hell for this post anyway after the last paragraph, I might as well let my hair down and make the most of it. So: Me, I’m heading straight for a privileged place at the right hand of Majesty (secured by a prayer of faith a while ago). I suspect Barth will be heading for me as well to be honest. Especially after he hears my ‘Authoritative Opinions’. But Kim continues: ‘Me – I’ll be heading for the choir of angels, to find Sandy Koufax, to see how he made the baseball sing’. What! Every sound minded person knows that baseball is just a pansy version of ‘rounders’ and so obviously was invented by a ‘spirit from underneath’. Any theologian worth his meat and two vegetables would know that (notice I don’t feel I have to capitulate in fear to feminist extremists every day by speaking of the theologian as ‘she’ all the time). Besides, after calling every Christian who ever lived a stinking pile of rotting shit I don’t think St. Peter will be unlocking the Pearly gates with too great a measure of enthusiams for Mr Kim Fabricius.

He finishes by claiming that ‘theologians do not know what they are talking about’.

Speak for yourself buttercup!