The Single Blogpost New Testament Commentary

Is this the Fundamentalist NT Commentary Edition? Or is it closer to home? Is it The Not Far Beneath the Surface of Many in Our Churches Edition? Or is it perhaps the Functional Theology of Many Preachers Edition?

I'll let you decide. Either way, if this doesn't make your skin crawl, we should have a chat.

Matthew

The exact presentation of all Jesus said and did. Word for word cos inerrancy. Very Jewish take, though, cos it’s all about the law, saying "it is fulfilled" (which proves stuff), and so on. 

But basically you are totally not Sermon on the Mount material, are you? 

You’re filth. 

Nevertheless, there are SO many moral lessons here which will be the basis for most of my sermons. 

Oh yes, Jesus died and rose again.

Don’t understand all this? Read Romans.

Mark

The exact presentation of all Jesus said and did. Word for word cos inerrancy. But a bit shorter this time though. BUT THIS TOTALLY RECONCILES WITH MATTHEW.

SO many moral lessons here which will be the basis for most of my sermons. Oh yes, Jesus died and rose again.

Don’t understand all this? Read Romans.

Luke

The exact presentation of all Jesus said and did. Word for word cos inerrancy. Slightly different emphasis on social justice. BUT THIS TOTALLY RECONCILES WITH MATTHEW AND MARK.

SO many moral lessons here which will be the basis for most of my sermons. Oh yes, Jesus died and rose again.

Don’t understand all this? Read Romans.

John

The exact presentation of all Jesus said and did. Word for word cos inerrancy. Very spiritual this one. High. No, not that sort of high, you scumbag. And THIS ONE TOTALLY, TOTALLY RECONCILES PERFECTLY WITH THE OTHER GOSPELS. DENY IT AND YOU ARE FILTH. YOU WANT TO BE FILTH? WELL MOVE ON THEN. 

John 3:16 fist pump.

You still need to read Romans, though.

Postscript to the Gospels

The real take-home point in all this, by the way, is that God’s standard for you is impossibly high, which further means you are in a lot of trouble because of all your filthy shenanigans. 

Denying this only makes you a Catholic. 

Plus Jesus died and rose again which is central to the criterion which Paul will make clear (see below)

Acts

This is what the church should really look like. REVIVAL! We need to pray more. Repent more. Look at Paul going all over the place! Maps! Here are some maps! AND THIS TOTALLY RECONCILES WITH GALATIANS CHRONOLOGY.

Romans

Okay, now we’re getting to the important stuff. Down to theological business. In sum, here it is:

Dear Romans,

Yes, hello and all that, but let me get to my favourite bit. Namely, a can of cosmic whoop ass is coming your way cos you deserve Chinese burns of biblical proportions.

Three chapters saying: You’re. Filthy. Scum.

And it’s the same whether you’re Jew or Gentile, so don’t get cocky. All have failed to meet the necessary (but, ok, also impossible) standards. Especially Catholics.

But hang on there, another bloke is taking that divine hostility instead – Yes, God is hostile folks, get used to it. God gets nicer a few chapters later.

Now, and this is absolutely key, so long as you choose this unchoosable criterion you'll be able to join those people over there who have satisfied this criterion by choosing it. Make sense? (It would do if you were one of us)

And then you'll get all the good stuff and be able to sing 3 cord songs with guitars and rejoice in the eschatological waterboarding of those who didn't choose it.

Oh, yes, I suppose there is some stuff here, too, about how Jew and Gentile should get on and be nice to each other. Whatever.

Oh, in case you were confused about the “standards” thing above, there is also some stuff here about now living up to that impossible standard after all.

Love and hugs unless Satan gets you, Paul

Rest of the New Testament 

It totally says what Romans says, too. At least it should do if you're reading it right.

Which leads us to…

Revelation

That’s the can of whoop ass I was telling you about, in IMAX 3D.

Read Romans again.