Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Lords per minute competition

OK, so I won the Father Christmas competition rather convincingly, if you don’t count one reader’s son who sounds like a mini-‘patron god of the Philistines’ in the making.

For the New Year I have another little competition for you.

Many of us theological types often get involved in various prayer meetings over some part of the New Year celebrations, so this game is to calculate who prays at the highest ‘lords per minute’ (l.p.m) level in any of the prayer meetings we attend. The idea is that you count the number of ‘Lords’ said in a typical 15-second clip, and then multiply by four to get a rough idea.

The rules are simple.

  1. It can be anyone you pray with or even hear, but they must be in the same meeting as yourself.
  2. You can attempt to record a high ‘Lord per minute’ yourself if you want, but experience tells charismatics tend to clock higher speeds than any theologian, even if they be on steroids or fizzy sticks.
  3. An interpretation of tongues, yours or another’s that involves the claim: ‘Wow, that was clocking record speeds in the tongues of angels’, doesn’t count.
The tips are equally simple.

  1. Very important is that you try to get along to a really charismatic meeting. I mean really. In other words, if you want a chance of winning, then you need to get along to a foaming mouthed, chandelier swinging, microphone blowing, anointed-jacket swatting, Holy Spirit waving, everybody-laying-hands-on-everybody, ‘I had a picture’ meeting, or you’re lost. I’m telling you, some of these precious brothers and sisters can clock extraordinary high ‘lords per minute’: ‘Lord, we pray, Lord, that, Lord, you’ll save, Lord, the lost, Lord’ etc. Mix that with earnest fervency and you have a potent, unbeatable cocktail (legend has it that in some cases over 60 l.p.m has been clocked).
  2. Depending on your denomination and role, try steering the prayer meeting with mention of devils, popes, territorial spirits, homosexuals, the lost, whatever gets the most likely high clockers worked up, then grab a calculator.

Being a little charismatically inclined myself, I intend to win this one too (but either way, I will announce the winner in the New Year)


At 12/29/2006 1:48 AM, Anonymous byron smith said...

Any bonus points for varying the vocatives? 'God', 'Father', 'Jesus'

In some circles, you can also count 'just': "Lord, we just pray that you, Lord, would just make the world, Lord, a more just place..."

Or the number of projecting clauses: 'we pray that', 'we ask that', 'we just want to'. We tell God what we want to ask; why not simply use an imperative or interrogative and ask it more directly?

Best of luck, one and all.

At 12/29/2006 3:05 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...


Absolutely no bonus points for such variations, no. But that is a really good point about the 'justs'. In Germany it translates as 'Einfach', so consider the recorded lpm doubled if a 'just' is repeated at least three times in the same sentence twice in a row. Or, simply add the jpm score to the lpm. Though you may need a tape recorder...

Oddly enough, being a charismatic nutter at heart, I'd still prefer a high clocking lpm/jpm pray for me than one who just manages an incense filled, theologically precise mouthfull of sound.

Best of luck in your quest for victory. There can be only one winner ...

At 12/29/2006 3:56 PM, Anonymous J. B. Hood said...

What if you're with some really theological types and you get some "lordship" "lording" (i.e., lording it over others) type language?

Does it matter if it's Adonai type lord ("We pray for Lord Acton/the lord of the manor today...") or YHWH?

If you're a stay-at-home type, and you only watch a prayer meetin' on TV (say, the CTRVHM broadcast on webcam and streaming audio), can you count it?

One last question--what if one translates the language of the tongue-speaker? If "hana" = Lord, do I ring that up? I think it should count twice...

And CT I agree completely--the nuttier people I know are the ones I ask to pray for me. In fact, this contest could tell you where to air your prayer requests.

I have no chance of winning as I'll be saying prayers with my 3.5 year old son. Can I count his "dear"s?

At 12/29/2006 5:46 PM, Anonymous One of Freedom said...

jpms are the bane of my existance. Who the hell really wants God to only just do whatever the heck the just is attached to? I know it is verbal noise that has crept into our language, but it is really annoying. When I catch myself doing it in prayer I stop, backup and say "Lord, Lord, we do not JUST want you to Lord do this Lord. But Lord do all that Lord You desire in this sitiatien. Lord, you are Lord and there can be no other Lord, please Lord forgive us for our little visions of Your Lordship Lord." Then I continue on having truly repented of my jpming ways.

At 12/29/2006 11:17 PM, Anonymous Pierre Benz said...

Oh man, all I can say is that you had me rolling on the floor laughing when you mentioned this, as I'm sure most people (who have ever gone to a Pentecostal-ish church) have done the Lord-o-matic counting game before. Great stuff..

BTW, is did that guy in the picture just knee the other guy? Those pentecostals are starting to play dirty now.

At 12/30/2006 12:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always go to "watch night" services on New Year's Eve. We contemplate our sins of the past year and ask what God may be requiring of us in the new one to come. So, I lose, because this is usually conducted in complete silence.

At 12/30/2006 10:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That poor guy in the photo with his arms high in the air, screaming . . .he looks like he's getting "racked and mugged."


At 12/31/2006 12:10 PM, Anonymous Chris Tilling said...

JB, everything was simple till your comment.

Can be wither the Adonai or Yhwh sort.

Can’t be something you hear on TV

Tongues doesn’t count. Did you read my post?!?

‘Dears’ don’t count either.

Sounds like you’re going to LOOSE this year.

Thanks for the laugh, Frank. Perhaps we should add an anti jpming clause to our statement of faiths?

Zok, thanks. Onto that. The interview looks fine, though (?)

Pierre, yes, they are getting more dirty these days (speaking as one closely associated with Pentecostalism) – haven’t you seen some of their services, everybody is lying on the floor, groaning after a worship session? (Likewise to you, TB)

Michael, excuses, excuses. You’re going to LOOSE!


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